Friday, September 12, 2008

Bachna Ae Haseeno

Take heed of their warning, women of the world... and steer clear of this one... there is no way you'll be able to find in your hearts the courage/patience/whatever to sit through this story of one ugly man wrapping three perfectly good looking women around his undeserving f... finger...
I always knew Bollywood was rubbish at portraying strong women... but this one's just too much... first there's the innocent girl looking for prince charming and this man shows up... and she doesn' run away from him like she should have at sighting him... but instead stops believing in lurve till he comes back ten years later and opens her eyes... WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!
But wait, there's more... He then goes to Bombay and meets a sweet small town girl, who incidentally is a model... Why would a model live with a man who looks like THAT? And... wait for it... HE dumps HER... HAHA! Way to suck up to the boys' real life parents YRF... Mommy and Daddy must've been purring with pleasure at the antics of their casanova offspring... and he probably went home and rubbed their tummies...
Anyway, this model girl becomes a super model in a few years and turns into a supreme bitch... yeah, coz that's all a woman can become when she doesn't have a man... financial independence be damned, it's the absence of ugly mr nobody that undoes her... and makes her the exact opposite of the trusting little small towm girl she'd been... and since hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, she hires him as her personal assistant when he comes asking for forgiveness... Oh my gawd, why didn't I see it sooner... when an ugly toad breaks your heart, you make them run a dozen errands for you, throw them in the pool, and voila! everything is hunky-dory... all hurt undone, you forgive them so they can prance off to their current fling...
Current fling, by the way, was this uber cool cab-driving chick who didn't believe in marriage and stuff and therefore refused his proposal three taxi rides and one romantic song later, and broke his heart... which, incidentally, was the catalyst in his search for forgiveness from those hapless women whose affections the man had toyed with in the last decade...
For most part of the decade it seems he was busy ruining his eyesight so he could look all "grown up", what with wearing spectacles and all; and at growing a stubble - a task at which he fails miserably... itty-bitty kapoor isn't old enough to sport so much as a stubble at 29... which is a pity, coz one thinks it might have made him look marginally less like a toad...
So, armed with two full-blown forgivenesses, the man goes back to whichever country it was that he called home... (there were so many foreign locales that one loses track... though one suspects they were essential so as to distract attention from the abysmally ungoodlooking "hero"...)
Anyway... so he gets back to find that ubercool girl has had a change of heart and pines for him... why am i not surprised? i mean a hindi movie heroine who doesn't believe in, and therefore doesn't want, marriage.... (GASP! GASP! AND SUFFOCATE!!!) UNTHINKABLE... Banish the thought from your mind immediately!!! Of course she wants to be with him... why wouldn't she? wouldn't that undermine the ONE AND ONLY message Bollywood has being trying to drill into our heads since time immemorial (unmemorable more like) - that marriage is the ultimate ambition for a woman... only through marriage can she find fulfilment...
So even the last hope for women dies away as this last fortress falls... and what are we left with? that very old saying... something about a langoor and a hoor... the horror! the horror!

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