Drona

I must admit I haven't watched this movie. Why bother really? But I saw the promos and even those seemed like more than enough. I mean why would anyone want to see Abhishekh Bachchan?

And Abhishekh Bachchan in Prabhu Deva pants at that! The very idea is nauseating, to say the least. The man is incapable of raising his head to look at the camera without bungling up the shot. Have you seen him trying desperately to play the superhero, raising his head behind a sword with a presumably menacing expression? It's like he's a bobble head or something. Come on Mr. Bachchan! Do your bleeding homework. Watch the first two minutes of Girlfight if nothing else and you might understand just how that shot should be executed for crying out loud.

I know you don't realy need to be an actor to be hailed as the next best thing, seeing as you are the son of Amitabh Bachchan. But do you really have to be so...ooooo lame? Bring some credibility to the role, if only for the sake of being able to look yourself in the eyes every time you stand before a mirror.

I pity the fool who watched this movie. I pity the fool!

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Well! Now it's almost a month later and I have watched the movie. Partly because I was bored. But most importantly because I wanted to bitch about it. And what better way to find fodder for that.

I still stand by my earlier judgement on both, the film and Abhishekh Bachchan. The latter, as it turns out, seems kinda mentally challenged in the movie. He's supposed to be some sort of freakish cross between Superman (or shaktiman, if you will), Harry Potter and Hatim Tai. The result, as you can well imagine, is muddled and just plain weird.

So you have this half-wit giant being bossed around by his aunt (Petunia?) and cousin (Dudley? or in this case Rajesh aka Roger. WhatEVER!!!) And he's supposed to be this innocent 20 year-old. WHOA! WHOA! Stop right there, I thought. Abhishekh Bachchan innocent? 20 year-old? HA! HA! HA! You're kidding, right? (Maybe that was their idea of comic relief. Funny how I was neither amused nor relieved.)

Anyway, I must say Priyanka Chopra (who for some strange reason is also called Piggy Chops, though not in the movie thankfully) is looking good. And well, that's the only decent thing about the film.

So, like I was saying, AB is this poor hapless creature who knows nothing of his legacy and the greatness that lies in store for him. He sits in his small room, very reminiscent of Harry's room really, the only difference being that Harry doesn't look out of place in the plot or the room.

AB junior sits there and goes touchy-feely with strange blue petals every now and then. And that is the extent of the magic for most part of the first half of the film. Thank gawd for small mercies.

Then Priyanka shows up in a yellow car and tries fighting people (who, by the way, are armed with swords) using a strange (and definitely useless) sort of prop. A wooden steering wheel if you will, with long tassels. I couldn't for the life of me understand what she was trying to do with it. Anyway, it seemed to work. Like everything does in Bollywood. I must say she looks good kicking ass in slow motion. In real time the stunts are so lame, they would look ridiculous. And not only because Abhishekh is wearing that ridiculous costume which is lawd knows how many centuries old.

The bad guy is also retarded. So AB and KK make quite the perfect match, what with trying to find the rest of the alphabets between them.

KK has never acted worse. Or it could be that I just haven't seen it. Anyway, I strongly suspect that lack of talent is highly contagious and that horrible ham AB passed on the germ to everyone on the set. Jaya Bachchan is her usual wooden self and turns to stone half a song and three dialogues after her intro scene. She does manage to baffle the bejeezes out of our resident superhero, because he is left repeating three random words from all the gyan she gives him and then suffixing "Drona" at the end. You will hear him ask 'questions' like (and I quote) "parchhain? zindagi? hum?" or saying things like "yuddh, bhavishya, sansar, drona" Go figure! (My theory about his mental health takes flight at just this point.) I must also admit that I actually found myself wondering what his reaction would be if someone played the national song for him just then. My guess is "sufalaam, sheetalam, mataram, drona." But then again I wouldn't bet on it 'coz you never can tell with these superhero types.

Anyway, so AB spends most part of the movie looking for a spine and fails miserably at each laughable attempt. Eventually, PC fulfils the one purpose behind the very existence of leading ladies. She gets taken hostage by the villain and his goons (who, by the way, are very sad replicas of Voldemorts death eaters.) And then, lo and behold, a Gandalf lookalike appears out of nowhere (actually he grows out of the woodwork, but we'll allow him some mystical charm, yeah?) and he tells 'D-rona' that the spine he searches for high and low actually lies underwater. Now that puts Mr. superhero in a quandry, seeing as he is deathly afraid of water (much like a rabid dog, I must add). Well Gandalf's Bollywood avatar all but prods him with his walking stick until he decides to take the plunge. And that is how the movies crawls towards it oh-so-unsatisfactory end.

The anti-hero is an absolute nutcase. He is apologetic, hormonal, regressed and bipolar all at once. Also on his resume - puppeteer, magician and inventor. And with all these 'credentials' (for want of a better word) he still sucks. As does the movie. Maybe KK's takiakalaam (catch-phrase) from the movie should also have been the film's title. Gustakhi Maaf.

For the record, the answer is a resounding NO!