Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi

Avval toh the title is absolutely misleading. Rab-vab didn't make this jodi. Heroine's daddy in his misconception that a girl can't possibly manage without a man in her life makes the jodi.

I swear by all that is evil, if it weren't for SRK I would've walked out of this movie. (And I didn't walk out of Jawaab!)

Needles to say Shahrukh was good in the movie. I'm still trying to figure out why they stole someone from Ramsay brothers' kitty to cast as leading (cough cough) lady (gasp choke). Watsername is positively scary looking and her acting skills don't help any. Maybe SRK had to change avatars just to break the monotony of being around her. (Didn't change the fact that the viewers still had to jhelo her with both Shahrukh's - the dorky muchhad and the crotch touching creep.)

I think Aditya Chopra (like Farhan Akhtar) is a one-movie-wonder. Why they insist on trying to break out of that reality is beyond me.

Anyway, moving on. The movie SUCKS. Big time. Bad storyline, OTT acting and oh-so-OTT melodrama. Seriously annoying shit.

For all you lucky bastard whose lives haven't been sullied by this catastrophe, here's a brief summary of the plot - just so you don't miss out on the terrible things in life. Girl getting married. Is happy and jumpy. Girl's daddy creepily fond of ex-student from a century ago. Ex-student is a dorky, lechy creep. Falls in love-at-first-sight (henceforth LAFS) with happy girl. Jumping helps in said event. Girls lover/fiance/husband-to-be conveniently pegs out some five minutes after LAFS. Girl sad, but will survive. Girl's daddy, however, can't stand the sadma and suffers heart-attack. (And once again one is forced to wonder why the dad is hit worse than the daughter by said news.) Anyway, since daddy finds that he may not survive much longer he insists on getting ex-student and daughter married. Daughter agrees (without a fight, mind you) in true hindi filmy style and we assume that SRK's character slurps somewhere in the background.

Honestly, if some such thing were to happen around me I'd scream bloody murder and never stop. WHAT is the meaning of all this nonsense? What are you trying to tell us? That we can't possibly find the strength to make something of our lives so marry us off to the next man that walks into the room? It's the twenty-fucking-first-century people. So WHAT exactly are you trying to say?

Achha, the upside is that Shahrukh's character is not so much a creep as you will have first thought. As in he's decent enough to sleep in a separate room so long as she is unhappy with the situation. Apparently, marriage will not be consummated until both can see rab in each other. Which is sort of weird really and throws religion into serious question. This fact, however is revealed to the audience at a much later stage. So more on that later.

Her anger with the world and her current situation in general lasts exactly for one day. After which she decides to play the perfect wife (saying things like "Agar aap ko pasand nahin toh main nahin karoongi," and contributing to the general increase in my blood pressure). She does however tell him that she can never bring herself to love him. That is when he decides to change into this pseudo-cool, "happy-go-lucky", cheap talking, chaddi-settling, crotch (and ass) touching creep called Raj. He makes her laugh and then tells her he loves her. Heroine is in quandary.

She obviously hasn't been able to recognise her husband sans mustache and finds that she kinda likes this creep. (Subliminal message to impressionable young girls - fall for loud, crass creeps.) Anyway, then the whole Hindstani naari thing comes into play and she, like Sita, has to go through an agni pareeksha of her husband's choosing. (And this is the part that really makes my blood boil.) She has to choose between husband Suri and Raj. And if she chooses Raj then husband (who unbeknownst to her, IS Raj) will take a hike leaving her to find some Raj. (Which is quite convenient really 'coz after DDLJ there are LOTS of Rajs in this country. And who would know that beeter than Aditya Chopra really?)

Anyway, they go to temple. She prays to see rab in someone since she hasn't seen him in Raj. Fade to some man walking in her general direction. Her prayers are answered. She sees rab. Man just happens to be Suri. (At this point I found myself wondering what if it had been some other man? Man, then the movie would've dragged on till eternity.)

Then they dance together - as Suri and wife, win competition and then live happily ever after. Woman settles for geeky husband. Not surprising since her choices were bloody limited - it was either this or crass creep. Playback singer sings rab ne bana di jodi and movie ends in a photo album of honeymoon pictures.

Hazaar Indian women sigh as they watch a slideshow of their own reality. Many teenage girls unfortunately find the movie soooooooo romantic and can't wait for their own little extraordinary love story to begin. Some single women, like yours truly, call dentist to make an appointment to fix the damage from all the teeth gritting they've been doing. Aditya Chopra and Co. laugh all the way to the bank.

The End.