Chandni Chowk to China

Watching Chandni Chowk to China was like going back in time. It’s a movie straight out of the 70s. It’s got bichhadna, badla and babes (the 21st century additive to old time Hindi movies). It even has judwas and takes you back to sita aur gita and chalbaaz times. It’s a whole other thing that Chalbaaz is beyond comparison.

Another thing CC2C has is ball-busting. I, for one, have never heard so many synonyms for balls, nor have I seen so many men get their ‘ahems’ broken in the course of a two and a half hour movie. For those of you who know me it’ll be obvious I laughed my head off at these points. Despite the fact that my mother sat in the next seat.

Moving on, the movie is very Sholay/Kung Fu Panda. There’s this tyrant who’s got an entire village trembling at the very mention of his name – Gabbar/Tai Lung??? Poor villagers decide on finding their Jai-Veeru/Dragon Warrior. It’s all very other-worldly. Like nothing outside of that particular village exists.

Akshay Kumar is funny. Period. Never once through all those khiladi movies did I suspect that the man had a funny bone. He’s hilarious as the bumbling protagonist, Sidhu, or Po if you will. Deepika is okay. Ranvir’s character has a shade too many. Bad guy is painted too black, but not enough. Also bad guys’ blackness is too local. He is no Gabbar, Mogambo or Shakaal. He’s this minor tyrant who flies every now and then and his tyranny affects exactly 50 people. And one wonders why the spirits of warriors of old need to be disturbed to handle a character as insignificant as this.

Thakur has been morphed into a madman who turns out to be the father of Deepika (raised to the power of two). While Akshay is no Jai or Veeru, he is after all Akshay – the International Khiladi and a whole lot of other khiladis rolled into one. I’d say he’s the entire Indian cricket team merged into one entity but I am well aware of the fact that those blue men (Smurfs??? With smurfette Mandira Bedi???) are NOT khiladis. So we’ll leave it at that yeah?

Deepika’s characters are strange and bipolar. One is Sakhi. And as her name suggests, she’s the gharelu, friendly type who stands gripping a pillar when the BIG fight is happening. No surprises then that it is this one who is Akshay’s heroine. The other one is Suzie or Meow Meow (her alias – talk about stereotyping at its worst!) One is a knucklehead model and the other an ass kicking thing who flies just like her foster parent, the bad guy. The former has typical Hindi film heroine make-up; the latter has a very bad case of badmakeupitis. Deepika’s role, despite there being two of those, is very marginal. Madman and Ranvir Shorey have a greater role to play in the plot than poor leading lady. Even Mithun Da, those two Chinese villagers who go looking for Liu Sheng (aka Akshay Kumar) and even the Great Wall of China get more screen time than poor DP. It would’ve been far better if they had showed her as a double agent or something. At least that way her character will have had some… well, character. (And my theory about her bipolarity would have that much more solid ground to stand on.)

Anyway, one thing I have never understood about Hindi movies is why they can’t stick to one genre. Why must a Bollywood film have everything – from action to drama to comedy to what have you? The downside of having masala movies is that the films rarely, if ever, do justice to any one genre. CC2C for instance should have been a comedy. It had great potential as a comedy and yet they decided to throw in drama and revenge and suspense and what not. End result – big hotchpotch that had people laughing from sheer disbelief at parts that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. As much as I am used to the need for melodrama in Hindi movies I still expect a comedy to stay true to its basis, and remain funny at least.

Having said that, I must also add that it is an entertaining movie, albeit a politically incorrect one. It is a classic example of leave-your-brain-at-home movies that Bollywood is famous for making. And yet, it was far better than Rab Ne and a whole lot of other movies that the poor unsuspecting Indian masses have been subjected to in the recent past. One hopes, however, that CC2Africa stick to being funny... if it ever gets made, that is.

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi

Avval toh the title is absolutely misleading. Rab-vab didn't make this jodi. Heroine's daddy in his misconception that a girl can't possibly manage without a man in her life makes the jodi.

I swear by all that is evil, if it weren't for SRK I would've walked out of this movie. (And I didn't walk out of Jawaab!)

Needles to say Shahrukh was good in the movie. I'm still trying to figure out why they stole someone from Ramsay brothers' kitty to cast as leading (cough cough) lady (gasp choke). Watsername is positively scary looking and her acting skills don't help any. Maybe SRK had to change avatars just to break the monotony of being around her. (Didn't change the fact that the viewers still had to jhelo her with both Shahrukh's - the dorky muchhad and the crotch touching creep.)

I think Aditya Chopra (like Farhan Akhtar) is a one-movie-wonder. Why they insist on trying to break out of that reality is beyond me.

Anyway, moving on. The movie SUCKS. Big time. Bad storyline, OTT acting and oh-so-OTT melodrama. Seriously annoying shit.

For all you lucky bastard whose lives haven't been sullied by this catastrophe, here's a brief summary of the plot - just so you don't miss out on the terrible things in life. Girl getting married. Is happy and jumpy. Girl's daddy creepily fond of ex-student from a century ago. Ex-student is a dorky, lechy creep. Falls in love-at-first-sight (henceforth LAFS) with happy girl. Jumping helps in said event. Girls lover/fiance/husband-to-be conveniently pegs out some five minutes after LAFS. Girl sad, but will survive. Girl's daddy, however, can't stand the sadma and suffers heart-attack. (And once again one is forced to wonder why the dad is hit worse than the daughter by said news.) Anyway, since daddy finds that he may not survive much longer he insists on getting ex-student and daughter married. Daughter agrees (without a fight, mind you) in true hindi filmy style and we assume that SRK's character slurps somewhere in the background.

Honestly, if some such thing were to happen around me I'd scream bloody murder and never stop. WHAT is the meaning of all this nonsense? What are you trying to tell us? That we can't possibly find the strength to make something of our lives so marry us off to the next man that walks into the room? It's the twenty-fucking-first-century people. So WHAT exactly are you trying to say?

Achha, the upside is that Shahrukh's character is not so much a creep as you will have first thought. As in he's decent enough to sleep in a separate room so long as she is unhappy with the situation. Apparently, marriage will not be consummated until both can see rab in each other. Which is sort of weird really and throws religion into serious question. This fact, however is revealed to the audience at a much later stage. So more on that later.

Her anger with the world and her current situation in general lasts exactly for one day. After which she decides to play the perfect wife (saying things like "Agar aap ko pasand nahin toh main nahin karoongi," and contributing to the general increase in my blood pressure). She does however tell him that she can never bring herself to love him. That is when he decides to change into this pseudo-cool, "happy-go-lucky", cheap talking, chaddi-settling, crotch (and ass) touching creep called Raj. He makes her laugh and then tells her he loves her. Heroine is in quandary.

She obviously hasn't been able to recognise her husband sans mustache and finds that she kinda likes this creep. (Subliminal message to impressionable young girls - fall for loud, crass creeps.) Anyway, then the whole Hindstani naari thing comes into play and she, like Sita, has to go through an agni pareeksha of her husband's choosing. (And this is the part that really makes my blood boil.) She has to choose between husband Suri and Raj. And if she chooses Raj then husband (who unbeknownst to her, IS Raj) will take a hike leaving her to find some Raj. (Which is quite convenient really 'coz after DDLJ there are LOTS of Rajs in this country. And who would know that beeter than Aditya Chopra really?)

Anyway, they go to temple. She prays to see rab in someone since she hasn't seen him in Raj. Fade to some man walking in her general direction. Her prayers are answered. She sees rab. Man just happens to be Suri. (At this point I found myself wondering what if it had been some other man? Man, then the movie would've dragged on till eternity.)

Then they dance together - as Suri and wife, win competition and then live happily ever after. Woman settles for geeky husband. Not surprising since her choices were bloody limited - it was either this or crass creep. Playback singer sings rab ne bana di jodi and movie ends in a photo album of honeymoon pictures.

Hazaar Indian women sigh as they watch a slideshow of their own reality. Many teenage girls unfortunately find the movie soooooooo romantic and can't wait for their own little extraordinary love story to begin. Some single women, like yours truly, call dentist to make an appointment to fix the damage from all the teeth gritting they've been doing. Aditya Chopra and Co. laugh all the way to the bank.

The End.

Drona

I must admit I haven't watched this movie. Why bother really? But I saw the promos and even those seemed like more than enough. I mean why would anyone want to see Abhishekh Bachchan?

And Abhishekh Bachchan in Prabhu Deva pants at that! The very idea is nauseating, to say the least. The man is incapable of raising his head to look at the camera without bungling up the shot. Have you seen him trying desperately to play the superhero, raising his head behind a sword with a presumably menacing expression? It's like he's a bobble head or something. Come on Mr. Bachchan! Do your bleeding homework. Watch the first two minutes of Girlfight if nothing else and you might understand just how that shot should be executed for crying out loud.

I know you don't realy need to be an actor to be hailed as the next best thing, seeing as you are the son of Amitabh Bachchan. But do you really have to be so...ooooo lame? Bring some credibility to the role, if only for the sake of being able to look yourself in the eyes every time you stand before a mirror.

I pity the fool who watched this movie. I pity the fool!

________________________________________________________

Well! Now it's almost a month later and I have watched the movie. Partly because I was bored. But most importantly because I wanted to bitch about it. And what better way to find fodder for that.

I still stand by my earlier judgement on both, the film and Abhishekh Bachchan. The latter, as it turns out, seems kinda mentally challenged in the movie. He's supposed to be some sort of freakish cross between Superman (or shaktiman, if you will), Harry Potter and Hatim Tai. The result, as you can well imagine, is muddled and just plain weird.

So you have this half-wit giant being bossed around by his aunt (Petunia?) and cousin (Dudley? or in this case Rajesh aka Roger. WhatEVER!!!) And he's supposed to be this innocent 20 year-old. WHOA! WHOA! Stop right there, I thought. Abhishekh Bachchan innocent? 20 year-old? HA! HA! HA! You're kidding, right? (Maybe that was their idea of comic relief. Funny how I was neither amused nor relieved.)

Anyway, I must say Priyanka Chopra (who for some strange reason is also called Piggy Chops, though not in the movie thankfully) is looking good. And well, that's the only decent thing about the film.

So, like I was saying, AB is this poor hapless creature who knows nothing of his legacy and the greatness that lies in store for him. He sits in his small room, very reminiscent of Harry's room really, the only difference being that Harry doesn't look out of place in the plot or the room.

AB junior sits there and goes touchy-feely with strange blue petals every now and then. And that is the extent of the magic for most part of the first half of the film. Thank gawd for small mercies.

Then Priyanka shows up in a yellow car and tries fighting people (who, by the way, are armed with swords) using a strange (and definitely useless) sort of prop. A wooden steering wheel if you will, with long tassels. I couldn't for the life of me understand what she was trying to do with it. Anyway, it seemed to work. Like everything does in Bollywood. I must say she looks good kicking ass in slow motion. In real time the stunts are so lame, they would look ridiculous. And not only because Abhishekh is wearing that ridiculous costume which is lawd knows how many centuries old.

The bad guy is also retarded. So AB and KK make quite the perfect match, what with trying to find the rest of the alphabets between them.

KK has never acted worse. Or it could be that I just haven't seen it. Anyway, I strongly suspect that lack of talent is highly contagious and that horrible ham AB passed on the germ to everyone on the set. Jaya Bachchan is her usual wooden self and turns to stone half a song and three dialogues after her intro scene. She does manage to baffle the bejeezes out of our resident superhero, because he is left repeating three random words from all the gyan she gives him and then suffixing "Drona" at the end. You will hear him ask 'questions' like (and I quote) "parchhain? zindagi? hum?" or saying things like "yuddh, bhavishya, sansar, drona" Go figure! (My theory about his mental health takes flight at just this point.) I must also admit that I actually found myself wondering what his reaction would be if someone played the national song for him just then. My guess is "sufalaam, sheetalam, mataram, drona." But then again I wouldn't bet on it 'coz you never can tell with these superhero types.

Anyway, so AB spends most part of the movie looking for a spine and fails miserably at each laughable attempt. Eventually, PC fulfils the one purpose behind the very existence of leading ladies. She gets taken hostage by the villain and his goons (who, by the way, are very sad replicas of Voldemorts death eaters.) And then, lo and behold, a Gandalf lookalike appears out of nowhere (actually he grows out of the woodwork, but we'll allow him some mystical charm, yeah?) and he tells 'D-rona' that the spine he searches for high and low actually lies underwater. Now that puts Mr. superhero in a quandry, seeing as he is deathly afraid of water (much like a rabid dog, I must add). Well Gandalf's Bollywood avatar all but prods him with his walking stick until he decides to take the plunge. And that is how the movies crawls towards it oh-so-unsatisfactory end.

The anti-hero is an absolute nutcase. He is apologetic, hormonal, regressed and bipolar all at once. Also on his resume - puppeteer, magician and inventor. And with all these 'credentials' (for want of a better word) he still sucks. As does the movie. Maybe KK's takiakalaam (catch-phrase) from the movie should also have been the film's title. Gustakhi Maaf.

For the record, the answer is a resounding NO!

Kidnap

When I suffered through Ta Ra Dumb Dumb, I thought I could take anything, and I mean anything, that Bollywood could hurl at me. And then I saw Kidnap.
It is by far the worst movie I have ever seen. And I've seen movies like Eena Meena Deeka, Ekka Raja Rani and even Jawab (starring Harish of Prem Qaidi fame... Go figure!)
I'm a tolerant viewer, really I am, but Kidnap was just the last straw. I thought my head would explode... Well! I hoped it would, just so something else would seem more painful than this movie. Anything, really! I even found myself wondering if one could pass out from sheer embarrasment. I'm guessing not, since there's been no news of Imran Khan, Minisha or even Sanjay Dutt blacking out anytime recently.
Anyway, the only concrete thoughts running through my head during the movie were - "Why gawd why?" and "My eyes! My eyes!"
I judge everyone who's watched this movie, including me. I mean, why, WHY did they feel the need to cast a kid in the role of the napper? WHO thought "Ichak Dana, Bichak Dana", "Akkad Bakkad Bambe Bo" and "Eer Bir Phatte" were mysterious clues? They seemed more like a class in bad hindi nursery rhymes, really. And WHO in the hell of it thought that Minisha Lamba could pass off for a 17 year-old - who by the way, goes swimming every chance she gets, never mind the emotional upheavals in her life. It's like the director (or whoever) saw Santosh Sivan's Terrorist and actually liked it enough to get inspired by all the showers Dharkar takes during the movie. I swear to gawd.... (grinds teeth menacingly and is therefore, speechless).
My brain shut off as soon as I heard the words "This is a kidnap." I knew then, as I know now, that this was going to be one lo...ong movie. And then Sanjay Dutt said "Maine apne assistant se kaha hai mere dushmano ki list banane ko" , and all hope sank without a trace. I mean here was (allegedly) the richest man in the world who was too lazy to even figure who the kidnapper could be, stealing people's cars and bikes and what-have-you. Something just didn't seem right. No. Let me rephrase that. Nothing seemed right.
I cannot express just how much it bothers me to see that the darn thing is still playing in cinemas. I am of the opinion that not only should the movie be banned, but the people in it (who, by the way, actually got paid, and paid good for this atrocity) and everyone responsible for it should be taken to court
I'd like to ask what the hell was wrong with each and every member of the crew. But honestly, I have neither time nor patience to find out. Not after watching the movie. Not after losing three hours of my life which I'll never get back.

And curses fly thick and fast!

Saas, Bahu Aur Sensex

Strike One for Warner Brothers' in the Indian film market. This movie is everything you don't want to see in a twenty-first century movie. Especially when a big Hollywood brand is behind it. Kiron Kher, Lilette Dubey and Farooq Sheikh are wasted, to say the least. When you see names such as these in the starcast of a film, you expect big things. The fall from from grace is therefore much harder to take. Not to say that they haven't given their best to the film. They have. But the film itself is such a haphazard, wannabe attempt at portraying life in contemporary India that the end-result is only laughable. (And not in the oh-so-funny way!) The only truly funny thing in the movie is the self-composed sitcom Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Kanya Thi which every woman in the building seems hooked on to. Other than that there is very little to laugh about in the film.

Sheikh makes a very believable Parsi gentleman whose belief-system is steeped in old world patriarchal notions and norms. Kher is, as always, a delight to watch. The gossipmongering kitty group and the younger crowd and the bit about the sensex, however, is just unbearable. Tanushree Dutta does not disappoint in her standing status as bad actor. The character she portrays is downright annoying. The angry young woman who's mad at her mother for having left the father (who by the way doesn't give a teeny-tiny rat's ass about wife or daughter!) Her constant Electra complex gets nauseating and it's difficult to see why Kher puts up with it. Ankur (or whatever the hell his name is) is a flimsy character madly in love with gold-digger Masumeh, working in a call centre and happily recruiting everything that breathes into said call centre. Having got Dutta a job, he becomes the man of her dreams and halfway through the movie there's a cozy triangle of sorts between these three. Masumeh ditches Mr. Flimsy at the altar, and Dutta happily becomes the cushion for his fall. (Note: The reference is not anatomical. At all.)

The sensex in the meanwhile performs an unbelievable series of acrobatics, and, by the end of the movie touches an incredible 30 or some thousand and you find that CNBC anchors pull some really strange shit in their studios. Kher and her kitty group get loaded and Sheikh finally learns how to address Kher as Mrs. Sen and not Mrs. Sex or Mrs. Sensex like he's been doing half the length of the film (which, by the way, gets verrrrry boring after the first two times).

The film's portrayal of woman is cliched and none too flattering. Instead of being a story about the India of today, it ends up seeming like a story written by someone whose only exposure to Indian life has been an overdose of K serials.

So, finally, the movie is neither so much about saases and bahus nor about the sensex; and making sense of it becomes like a weekend homework assignment, which as most of us would agree, is no fun at all. I'd say do yourself a favour and give this one a miss. You won't have missed much you know.

Welcome to Sajjanpur

This movie is a multiple assault on ones sensibilities. It is a story that no one I know can relate to. And I know a lot of people. It is half-baked and strange, and seems to me to belong to the early 90s, where it wouldn't have seemed out of place among the many other bad stories that were hurled at an unsuspecting, and most definitely undeserving-of-such-abominations, audience.

The showreel reads Mahadev ka Sajjanpur, and might confuse those of you who read the title on the showreel into believing that you've paid to watch the wrong film. But after having seen the movie, you may find yourself reaching the conclusion that you may as well have watched some other movie.

It is a sad (and i mean sad as in horrible/bad/what-have-you) story of one educated man in a largely iliterate village who dreams of becoming a novelist but ends up writing letters for the villagers instead. The letters, more often than not, have no real connection with the original message intended by the sender. And for the sake of the filmmaker one hopes that that is what happened in the process of making this movie too.

The protagonaist is a selfish, lecherous sort of character who has none too good a reputation in the village, and takes umbrage at any insinuation regarding his unmarried satus. You will hear him say thinkg like "hum napunsak hain kya?", and around exactly that same point you may even find yourself going into a deep semi-coma. The shock of time-travel may take a heavy toll on your brain. I found myself wondering whether I could sue the filmmakers for mental trauma.

Anyway, the only strong and funny character in the film is portrayed by Divya Dutta who has about two minutes worth of airtime within this unnecessarily long saga. Shreyas Talpade acts okay, but that is hardly enough to save a bad film. As far as choice of movie goes Talpade scores Zero, especially after his repertoire of exceptional roles like Dor and Iqbal.

On a scale of one to five I'd give this film One. And that because I'm feeling generous.

Bachna Ae Haseeno

Take heed of their warning, women of the world... and steer clear of this one... there is no way you'll be able to find in your hearts the courage/patience/whatever to sit through this story of one ugly man wrapping three perfectly good looking women around his undeserving f... finger...

I always knew Bollywood was rubbish at portraying strong women... but this one's just too much... first there's the innocent girl looking for prince charming and this man shows up... and she doesn' run away from him like she should have at sighting him... but instead stops believing in lurve till he comes back ten years later and opens her eyes... WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!

But wait, there's more... He then goes to Bombay and meets a sweet small town girl, who incidentally is a model... Why would a model live with a man who looks like THAT? And... wait for it... HE dumps HER... HAHA! Way to suck up to the boys' real life parents YRF... Mommy and Daddy must've been purring with pleasure at the antics of their casanova offspring... and he probably went home and rubbed their tummies...

Anyway, this model girl becomes a super model in a few years and turns into a supreme bitch... yeah, coz that's all a woman can become when she doesn't have a man... financial independence be damned, it's the absence of ugly mr nobody that undoes her... and makes her the exact opposite of the trusting little small towm girl she'd been... and since hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, she hires him as her personal assistant when he comes asking for forgiveness... Oh my gawd, why didn't I see it sooner... when an ugly toad breaks your heart, you make them run a dozen errands for you, throw them in the pool, and voila! everything is hunky-dory... all hurt undone, you forgive them so they can prance off to their current fling...

Current fling, by the way, was this uber cool cab-driving chick who didn't believe in marriage and stuff and therefore refused his proposal three taxi rides and one romantic song later, and broke his heart... which, incidentally, was the catalyst in his search for forgiveness from those hapless women whose affections the man had toyed with in the last decade...

For most part of the decade it seems he was busy ruining his eyesight so he could look all "grown up", what with wearing spectacles and all; and at growing a stubble - a task at which he fails miserably... itty-bitty kapoor isn't old enough to sport so much as a stubble at 29... which is a pity, coz one thinks it might have made him look marginally less like a toad...

So, armed with two full-blown forgivenesses, the man goes back to whichever country it was that he called home... (there were so many foreign locales that one loses track... though one suspects they were essential so as to distract attention from the abysmally ungoodlooking "hero"...)

Anyway... so he gets back to find that ubercool girl has had a change of heart and pines for him... why am i not surprised? i mean a hindi movie heroine who doesn't believe in, and therefore doesn't want, marriage.... (GASP! GASP! AND SUFFOCATE!!!) UNTHINKABLE... Banish the thought from your mind immediately!!! Of course she wants to be with him... why wouldn't she? wouldn't that undermine the ONE AND ONLY message Bollywood has being trying to drill into our heads since time immemorial (unmemorable more like) - that marriage is the ultimate ambition for a woman... only through marriage can she find fulfilment...

So even the last hope for women dies away as this last fortress falls... and what are we left with? that very old saying... something about a langoor and a hoor... the horror! the horror!