Drona

I must admit I haven't watched this movie. Why bother really? But I saw the promos and even those seemed like more than enough. I mean why would anyone want to see Abhishekh Bachchan?

And Abhishekh Bachchan in Prabhu Deva pants at that! The very idea is nauseating, to say the least. The man is incapable of raising his head to look at the camera without bungling up the shot. Have you seen him trying desperately to play the superhero, raising his head behind a sword with a presumably menacing expression? It's like he's a bobble head or something. Come on Mr. Bachchan! Do your bleeding homework. Watch the first two minutes of Girlfight if nothing else and you might understand just how that shot should be executed for crying out loud.

I know you don't realy need to be an actor to be hailed as the next best thing, seeing as you are the son of Amitabh Bachchan. But do you really have to be so...ooooo lame? Bring some credibility to the role, if only for the sake of being able to look yourself in the eyes every time you stand before a mirror.

I pity the fool who watched this movie. I pity the fool!

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Well! Now it's almost a month later and I have watched the movie. Partly because I was bored. But most importantly because I wanted to bitch about it. And what better way to find fodder for that.

I still stand by my earlier judgement on both, the film and Abhishekh Bachchan. The latter, as it turns out, seems kinda mentally challenged in the movie. He's supposed to be some sort of freakish cross between Superman (or shaktiman, if you will), Harry Potter and Hatim Tai. The result, as you can well imagine, is muddled and just plain weird.

So you have this half-wit giant being bossed around by his aunt (Petunia?) and cousin (Dudley? or in this case Rajesh aka Roger. WhatEVER!!!) And he's supposed to be this innocent 20 year-old. WHOA! WHOA! Stop right there, I thought. Abhishekh Bachchan innocent? 20 year-old? HA! HA! HA! You're kidding, right? (Maybe that was their idea of comic relief. Funny how I was neither amused nor relieved.)

Anyway, I must say Priyanka Chopra (who for some strange reason is also called Piggy Chops, though not in the movie thankfully) is looking good. And well, that's the only decent thing about the film.

So, like I was saying, AB is this poor hapless creature who knows nothing of his legacy and the greatness that lies in store for him. He sits in his small room, very reminiscent of Harry's room really, the only difference being that Harry doesn't look out of place in the plot or the room.

AB junior sits there and goes touchy-feely with strange blue petals every now and then. And that is the extent of the magic for most part of the first half of the film. Thank gawd for small mercies.

Then Priyanka shows up in a yellow car and tries fighting people (who, by the way, are armed with swords) using a strange (and definitely useless) sort of prop. A wooden steering wheel if you will, with long tassels. I couldn't for the life of me understand what she was trying to do with it. Anyway, it seemed to work. Like everything does in Bollywood. I must say she looks good kicking ass in slow motion. In real time the stunts are so lame, they would look ridiculous. And not only because Abhishekh is wearing that ridiculous costume which is lawd knows how many centuries old.

The bad guy is also retarded. So AB and KK make quite the perfect match, what with trying to find the rest of the alphabets between them.

KK has never acted worse. Or it could be that I just haven't seen it. Anyway, I strongly suspect that lack of talent is highly contagious and that horrible ham AB passed on the germ to everyone on the set. Jaya Bachchan is her usual wooden self and turns to stone half a song and three dialogues after her intro scene. She does manage to baffle the bejeezes out of our resident superhero, because he is left repeating three random words from all the gyan she gives him and then suffixing "Drona" at the end. You will hear him ask 'questions' like (and I quote) "parchhain? zindagi? hum?" or saying things like "yuddh, bhavishya, sansar, drona" Go figure! (My theory about his mental health takes flight at just this point.) I must also admit that I actually found myself wondering what his reaction would be if someone played the national song for him just then. My guess is "sufalaam, sheetalam, mataram, drona." But then again I wouldn't bet on it 'coz you never can tell with these superhero types.

Anyway, so AB spends most part of the movie looking for a spine and fails miserably at each laughable attempt. Eventually, PC fulfils the one purpose behind the very existence of leading ladies. She gets taken hostage by the villain and his goons (who, by the way, are very sad replicas of Voldemorts death eaters.) And then, lo and behold, a Gandalf lookalike appears out of nowhere (actually he grows out of the woodwork, but we'll allow him some mystical charm, yeah?) and he tells 'D-rona' that the spine he searches for high and low actually lies underwater. Now that puts Mr. superhero in a quandry, seeing as he is deathly afraid of water (much like a rabid dog, I must add). Well Gandalf's Bollywood avatar all but prods him with his walking stick until he decides to take the plunge. And that is how the movies crawls towards it oh-so-unsatisfactory end.

The anti-hero is an absolute nutcase. He is apologetic, hormonal, regressed and bipolar all at once. Also on his resume - puppeteer, magician and inventor. And with all these 'credentials' (for want of a better word) he still sucks. As does the movie. Maybe KK's takiakalaam (catch-phrase) from the movie should also have been the film's title. Gustakhi Maaf.

For the record, the answer is a resounding NO!

Kidnap

When I suffered through Ta Ra Dumb Dumb, I thought I could take anything, and I mean anything, that Bollywood could hurl at me. And then I saw Kidnap.
It is by far the worst movie I have ever seen. And I've seen movies like Eena Meena Deeka, Ekka Raja Rani and even Jawab (starring Harish of Prem Qaidi fame... Go figure!)
I'm a tolerant viewer, really I am, but Kidnap was just the last straw. I thought my head would explode... Well! I hoped it would, just so something else would seem more painful than this movie. Anything, really! I even found myself wondering if one could pass out from sheer embarrasment. I'm guessing not, since there's been no news of Imran Khan, Minisha or even Sanjay Dutt blacking out anytime recently.
Anyway, the only concrete thoughts running through my head during the movie were - "Why gawd why?" and "My eyes! My eyes!"
I judge everyone who's watched this movie, including me. I mean, why, WHY did they feel the need to cast a kid in the role of the napper? WHO thought "Ichak Dana, Bichak Dana", "Akkad Bakkad Bambe Bo" and "Eer Bir Phatte" were mysterious clues? They seemed more like a class in bad hindi nursery rhymes, really. And WHO in the hell of it thought that Minisha Lamba could pass off for a 17 year-old - who by the way, goes swimming every chance she gets, never mind the emotional upheavals in her life. It's like the director (or whoever) saw Santosh Sivan's Terrorist and actually liked it enough to get inspired by all the showers Dharkar takes during the movie. I swear to gawd.... (grinds teeth menacingly and is therefore, speechless).
My brain shut off as soon as I heard the words "This is a kidnap." I knew then, as I know now, that this was going to be one lo...ong movie. And then Sanjay Dutt said "Maine apne assistant se kaha hai mere dushmano ki list banane ko" , and all hope sank without a trace. I mean here was (allegedly) the richest man in the world who was too lazy to even figure who the kidnapper could be, stealing people's cars and bikes and what-have-you. Something just didn't seem right. No. Let me rephrase that. Nothing seemed right.
I cannot express just how much it bothers me to see that the darn thing is still playing in cinemas. I am of the opinion that not only should the movie be banned, but the people in it (who, by the way, actually got paid, and paid good for this atrocity) and everyone responsible for it should be taken to court
I'd like to ask what the hell was wrong with each and every member of the crew. But honestly, I have neither time nor patience to find out. Not after watching the movie. Not after losing three hours of my life which I'll never get back.

And curses fly thick and fast!

Saas, Bahu Aur Sensex

Strike One for Warner Brothers' in the Indian film market. This movie is everything you don't want to see in a twenty-first century movie. Especially when a big Hollywood brand is behind it. Kiron Kher, Lilette Dubey and Farooq Sheikh are wasted, to say the least. When you see names such as these in the starcast of a film, you expect big things. The fall from from grace is therefore much harder to take. Not to say that they haven't given their best to the film. They have. But the film itself is such a haphazard, wannabe attempt at portraying life in contemporary India that the end-result is only laughable. (And not in the oh-so-funny way!) The only truly funny thing in the movie is the self-composed sitcom Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Kanya Thi which every woman in the building seems hooked on to. Other than that there is very little to laugh about in the film.

Sheikh makes a very believable Parsi gentleman whose belief-system is steeped in old world patriarchal notions and norms. Kher is, as always, a delight to watch. The gossipmongering kitty group and the younger crowd and the bit about the sensex, however, is just unbearable. Tanushree Dutta does not disappoint in her standing status as bad actor. The character she portrays is downright annoying. The angry young woman who's mad at her mother for having left the father (who by the way doesn't give a teeny-tiny rat's ass about wife or daughter!) Her constant Electra complex gets nauseating and it's difficult to see why Kher puts up with it. Ankur (or whatever the hell his name is) is a flimsy character madly in love with gold-digger Masumeh, working in a call centre and happily recruiting everything that breathes into said call centre. Having got Dutta a job, he becomes the man of her dreams and halfway through the movie there's a cozy triangle of sorts between these three. Masumeh ditches Mr. Flimsy at the altar, and Dutta happily becomes the cushion for his fall. (Note: The reference is not anatomical. At all.)

The sensex in the meanwhile performs an unbelievable series of acrobatics, and, by the end of the movie touches an incredible 30 or some thousand and you find that CNBC anchors pull some really strange shit in their studios. Kher and her kitty group get loaded and Sheikh finally learns how to address Kher as Mrs. Sen and not Mrs. Sex or Mrs. Sensex like he's been doing half the length of the film (which, by the way, gets verrrrry boring after the first two times).

The film's portrayal of woman is cliched and none too flattering. Instead of being a story about the India of today, it ends up seeming like a story written by someone whose only exposure to Indian life has been an overdose of K serials.

So, finally, the movie is neither so much about saases and bahus nor about the sensex; and making sense of it becomes like a weekend homework assignment, which as most of us would agree, is no fun at all. I'd say do yourself a favour and give this one a miss. You won't have missed much you know.

Welcome to Sajjanpur

This movie is a multiple assault on ones sensibilities. It is a story that no one I know can relate to. And I know a lot of people. It is half-baked and strange, and seems to me to belong to the early 90s, where it wouldn't have seemed out of place among the many other bad stories that were hurled at an unsuspecting, and most definitely undeserving-of-such-abominations, audience.

The showreel reads Mahadev ka Sajjanpur, and might confuse those of you who read the title on the showreel into believing that you've paid to watch the wrong film. But after having seen the movie, you may find yourself reaching the conclusion that you may as well have watched some other movie.

It is a sad (and i mean sad as in horrible/bad/what-have-you) story of one educated man in a largely iliterate village who dreams of becoming a novelist but ends up writing letters for the villagers instead. The letters, more often than not, have no real connection with the original message intended by the sender. And for the sake of the filmmaker one hopes that that is what happened in the process of making this movie too.

The protagonaist is a selfish, lecherous sort of character who has none too good a reputation in the village, and takes umbrage at any insinuation regarding his unmarried satus. You will hear him say thinkg like "hum napunsak hain kya?", and around exactly that same point you may even find yourself going into a deep semi-coma. The shock of time-travel may take a heavy toll on your brain. I found myself wondering whether I could sue the filmmakers for mental trauma.

Anyway, the only strong and funny character in the film is portrayed by Divya Dutta who has about two minutes worth of airtime within this unnecessarily long saga. Shreyas Talpade acts okay, but that is hardly enough to save a bad film. As far as choice of movie goes Talpade scores Zero, especially after his repertoire of exceptional roles like Dor and Iqbal.

On a scale of one to five I'd give this film One. And that because I'm feeling generous.

Bachna Ae Haseeno

Take heed of their warning, women of the world... and steer clear of this one... there is no way you'll be able to find in your hearts the courage/patience/whatever to sit through this story of one ugly man wrapping three perfectly good looking women around his undeserving f... finger...

I always knew Bollywood was rubbish at portraying strong women... but this one's just too much... first there's the innocent girl looking for prince charming and this man shows up... and she doesn' run away from him like she should have at sighting him... but instead stops believing in lurve till he comes back ten years later and opens her eyes... WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!

But wait, there's more... He then goes to Bombay and meets a sweet small town girl, who incidentally is a model... Why would a model live with a man who looks like THAT? And... wait for it... HE dumps HER... HAHA! Way to suck up to the boys' real life parents YRF... Mommy and Daddy must've been purring with pleasure at the antics of their casanova offspring... and he probably went home and rubbed their tummies...

Anyway, this model girl becomes a super model in a few years and turns into a supreme bitch... yeah, coz that's all a woman can become when she doesn't have a man... financial independence be damned, it's the absence of ugly mr nobody that undoes her... and makes her the exact opposite of the trusting little small towm girl she'd been... and since hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, she hires him as her personal assistant when he comes asking for forgiveness... Oh my gawd, why didn't I see it sooner... when an ugly toad breaks your heart, you make them run a dozen errands for you, throw them in the pool, and voila! everything is hunky-dory... all hurt undone, you forgive them so they can prance off to their current fling...

Current fling, by the way, was this uber cool cab-driving chick who didn't believe in marriage and stuff and therefore refused his proposal three taxi rides and one romantic song later, and broke his heart... which, incidentally, was the catalyst in his search for forgiveness from those hapless women whose affections the man had toyed with in the last decade...

For most part of the decade it seems he was busy ruining his eyesight so he could look all "grown up", what with wearing spectacles and all; and at growing a stubble - a task at which he fails miserably... itty-bitty kapoor isn't old enough to sport so much as a stubble at 29... which is a pity, coz one thinks it might have made him look marginally less like a toad...

So, armed with two full-blown forgivenesses, the man goes back to whichever country it was that he called home... (there were so many foreign locales that one loses track... though one suspects they were essential so as to distract attention from the abysmally ungoodlooking "hero"...)

Anyway... so he gets back to find that ubercool girl has had a change of heart and pines for him... why am i not surprised? i mean a hindi movie heroine who doesn't believe in, and therefore doesn't want, marriage.... (GASP! GASP! AND SUFFOCATE!!!) UNTHINKABLE... Banish the thought from your mind immediately!!! Of course she wants to be with him... why wouldn't she? wouldn't that undermine the ONE AND ONLY message Bollywood has being trying to drill into our heads since time immemorial (unmemorable more like) - that marriage is the ultimate ambition for a woman... only through marriage can she find fulfilment...

So even the last hope for women dies away as this last fortress falls... and what are we left with? that very old saying... something about a langoor and a hoor... the horror! the horror!

The Last Lear

Well, it's a nice movie... and the good news is that arjun rampal can act in english... but there's one MAJOR flaw in the story... besides the obvious one that the director seems to forget that not all of us are bong... so how about giving subtitles for all the bengali dialogue you've put in...

Anyway, coming back to the main flaw... Why, oh why did a perfectly good movie have to have a homophobic protagonist? I understand that the idea was to introduce a character who was absolutely opinionated... but was it necessary to have him verbally bash the gay community? He could have had very strong views on ANY issue... did we really need more gay bashing in an already homophobic nation?

I mean here you are, making an english movie for a presumably elite audience and then you go and do something as unnecessary and base as that... what's the point really? If you're opposed to homosexuality, fine... keep your opinions out of the script for gawds sake... we really don't need to hear them... or want to, for that matter...

Harish (or Harry, if you like) had one and only one problem with Neeraj Patel... and that was his sexual orientation... it's the bloody twenty first century old man... get a life... there are lots of debauched old men abusing young girls all over the place... and all you seem to have a problem with is this one man... and that only because he's gay... will you give it a rest... be opinionated on your own steam for the love of gawd... stop abusing the gay community... and a persons gender is not questionable just because he/she may identify with an alternative sexuality... GET THAT "STRAIGHT"...

Rock On

So, Rock On huh? Yet another movie for those poor hapless creature who've been trampled upon by that cruel thing called life... I'm talking about men, in case you didn't get that... so, yeah, Rock On caters to all those self-professed victims of marriage and life in general...
I'm guessing you will have guessed i am one of the few people who will not be raving about the movie... not that i've met anyone who's seen it... but that's not the point... a friend asked for my views... and here they are...
I'm not saying it's a horrible movie... what i am saying is that it's no great shakes, it's nothing new... all it is, is a very clever rehashed version of a few other "guy flicks" that have seen the light of day in the recent years... (i was actually going to replace guy with a word that rhymes gloriously with chick, but i'm gonna take the high road this one time...)
Of the movies it reminded me of, Jhankar Beats comes immediately to mind... what with the band, the "competition", the pregnant wife and so on and so forth... the dying friend of course, is absolutely fresh... who woulda thought!!!
Then of course there's Pyar Mein Kabhi Kabhi, Rang De Basanti, and... hmmm... i can't remember... there've been so many movies about men struggling with realizing their dreams, holding on to their identity and passions while the women stand in the background helping them in a way that is only "natural" i'm presuming, that i seem to have lost count...
Now let me see, what if the gender equation in this film were reversed... what if it were a bunch of women in a band or whatever and falala... my guess is, the movie would have bombed... that is, IF someone had had the balls to imagine that women could (GASP!) be individuals in their own right... (don't even try quoting the example of chak de to me, i will scream...)
I mean, come on, why are our struggles limited to home and hearth? why is it, that even in a field that demands IMAGINATION and creativity, women are rarely anything more than shadows of the protagonist - which is, more often than not, a man...
Once in a very very blue moon there comes along the story of a strong woman... take dushman for instance... there's this girl who takes a stand... to avenge her sisters' murder... and WHO helps her? A BLIND MAN!!! for crying out loud people... we know any man, in your opinion, is better/stronger/and all of that so please don't bother pretending to make films that claim to be woman oriented... ekta kapur's serials are supposed to be that too...
just please keep stroking your egos with the rock ons of the world... and someday, women will just stop watching...
the struggling man... the boy he used to be (and longs to be all of his life)... the shackle that is marriage and how victimised the poor fellow is by all the world... GIMME A BREAK!!!
Find the balls to follow your dreams... stop blaming marriage and the world... DON'T GET MARRIED... choose between the need to prove your masculinity and following your dreams... and for the love of gawd STOP CRIBBING about all that you gave up for so and so and such and such...
CURSE YOU farhan akhtar for dil chahta hai and now THIS... CURSE YOU for giving men a storyline the lack of which they can crib about... a curse upon both your houses... and if you have more than two... well, then on all your houses...